Humour

[banger]

It's been a tough day so I thought you might like to review this............... :D

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QUANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. (By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.) You may have seen em before but they still make me laugh....... :D

P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log. S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order!!

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engineered airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly).
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

[banger]

THE FACTS OF LIFE FOR THOSE WHO THOUGHT THEY KNEW THEM OR ALL THE ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS YOU NEVER HAD THE COURAGE TO ASK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl
crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a
pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green
crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the
digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really
manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law
or not to have a fire in your back garden.
9) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
10) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
11) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
12) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
13) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a
bouncy ball.
14) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
15) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your
school.
16) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild
is to call your teacher mum or dad.
17) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would
kill you at the first given opportunity.
18) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
19) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee
flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
20) Old women with mobile phones look wrong !
21) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a
Frisbee.
22) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
23) You never ever run out of salt.
24) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
25) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
26) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel
when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
27) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
28) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody
who has had their arm broken by a swan.
29) The most painful household incident is wearing socks
and stepping on an upturned plug.
30) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
31) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a
thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
32) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
33) Bricks are horrible to carry.
34) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip
:D :D :D

[flipper]

Niceone Banger, particularly liked the aircraft post, made me laugh out loud..................thanks for the big grin :lol:

[jimbo77]

Awesome banger...LMAO! How true the facts of life are....I haven't a clue where my metal coat hangars came from.... and it's almost disappointing to beat the flush....:lol:

But the best one?

Engine found on right wing after brief search :lol: :lol: :lol:

Wiseguys....I love it.... :niceone:

[flipper]

Just read the Quantas one again, still makes me laugh, hard to pick a fav. tyre almost changed is cracking :D :lol: :D :lol:

[Schneegz]

At the end of every party there is always a girl
crying.
My neighbors had a huge party Saturday night. The highlight - for those of us who didn't attend - was when some guy and some girl were hysterically screaming at each other (and crying) in front of my house. How I wished I had a tape recorder on so I could play it back to them when they were sober!

Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
So do old women in sports cars!

[BJAM]

As do old women dressed as teenagers....

[hung_mother]

Saw something today that made me chuckle, apologies if I offend any friendly HD riders on the forum.

What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?

The location of the dirt bag!

:beer:

[BJAM]

What does a dog and a Harley Davidson have in common? They both love to ride in the back of pickups!

Why do some people refer to the Harley as a "converter"? Because it converts gasoline into noise!

If Harley made an airplane, would you fly in it? Well,I might ride in it, but it would be too heavy to get off the ground.

Q: When does the novelty of owning a Harley wear off? A: The first time the footpeg falls of on you.

Q: What do a Harley and a porcupine have in common? A: They both have pricks on them.

[rogfog]

And on a different tack - another love of most of us - drinking to excess !! (well away from the SV obviously).

How to rate your hangover!

* 1 star hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap, which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Still able to function relatively well. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

** 2 star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the Net and writing junk e-mails.

*** 3 star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 2:45am. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.


**** 4 star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems, depending on your gender. Your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following -
* Home time
* A duvet and somewhere to be alone
* A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

***** 5 star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe... very gently.

****** 6 star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep and the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you know you're going to throw. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the dunny. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and wiping your eyes.* Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and it usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.* With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your bum come out your mouth on the last occasion.* You lie there cold and shivering, with eruptions now occurring at 1 hour intervals. It is now dawn, and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She abuses you again for trying to get into bed with crusty bits on the side of your mouth. You reluctantly accept her advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. The whole day is spent as above Hangover 4 Star.* You finally feel well enough to eat again on the following day, with the mention of alcohol making your stomach churn. This effect of sight or smell of alcohol making your stomach churn lasts for a week and publicly you vow never to do it again..... until next time.

[rogfog]

And talking of Harleys !!!



Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking. The other flea asks him, "Why are you shaking so badly?" The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Harley." The other flea responds saying, "That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where its warm and cozy. Its the best way to travel that I can think of." The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next summer. A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again. The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?" "Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."

[theguru]

:D
whats the difference between a harley and a dustbin (trashcan) ?

a dustbin gets emptied once a week!!!!!!!!
:P

[ReiL01]

Originally posted by Schneegz@16th July 2003, 05:34 AM<br /><br />
So do old women in sports cars!
two words to describe an old woman in a sports car.... SUGAR MOMMA.

Come on, you all wish you had one !

[andyw]

I get the impression from some of the comments in threads on this forum that a number of you guys are under the thumb of your other half...what you need is one of these!

[hung_mother]

andyw Posted on 17th July 2003, 08:14 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I get the impression from some of the comments in threads on this forum that a number of you guys are under the thumb of your other half...what you need is one of these!&nbsp;

Where can I get me one a those?! ;)

:beer:

[flipper]

Love it Andy, put me down for 3 just in case I lose 2 :niceone: :D

[BJAM]

Where is the eliminate/remove mother-in-law button?